"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."
"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."
"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity."
"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"God must love stupid people. He made SO many."
"Good girls are bad girls that never get caught."
"Laugh at your problems, everybody else does."
"Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose."
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."